Category: Humor

Why I’m Not a Copywriter

We had our bi-weekly company meeting this afternoon. Snacks and alcohol are served at the meetings, usually in the form of a keg and an Ice-tub filled with bottled hard ciders. There are also tubs of sodas and water, for those of us that usually don’t drink.

I decided to have a couple of pear ciders at the meeting this week. Afterwards, I headed back upstairs to do a bit more work on a website that is supposed to go into reviews next week. (The process where each department gets to take a look at it before we post it to the live web server.) Anyway, I realized that I didn’t have any copy for the email sign-up section. So until someone gives me that, I wrote some placeholder:

[Quote]

You know you want to sign up for our mailing list. The next few paragraphs explain why. It’s super – neato nifty cool.

There are some more reasons why you want to sign up. Or rather, why WE want you to sign up. Marketing folks love email addresses. It’s like candy to us or something. Sure, we’ll send you updates about when new stuff goes up on the site, but if you’re really interested you’ll probably be checking back anyway.

Since we are an ethical company, we’re not going to sell your address. You’ll only get spam messages from us. Yup that’s right. We’re good little boys and girls over here.

Someone should really keep the webmaster from making up copy when he’s got a couple of drinks in him.

Anyway, before you can sign up for our email newsletter, we’ve got to check your age. Click here to begin.

[Quote]

It amuses me.

Of Dogs and Cats

Got this sent to me in an email today:

[Quote] Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us

every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept
you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG.”
And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
“Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they truly are. The companion
will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they
were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other. [Quote]

Who says developers don’t have a sense of humor?

I just read the FAQ for the current Phoenix release

Specifically – check out item 1:

[Quote]
1. What can I do to help?

We need all the distribution we can get. Tell your family. Tell your friends. Tell your coworkers. If you’re a student, get it distributed at your college. Submit a story to Slashdot and other news sites about the release. Make some noise on your blog. Spread the word!
[Quote]

This entry takes care of that. What made me laugh were items 14 and 15:

[Quote]
14. I kept hearing that you were changing the name from Phoenix to something else. What happened?

That was just a giant publicity stunt. We’ve observed that in the past, the open-source community has instinctively favored David when big corporations complain of trademark infringement. We wanted to cash in on this sympathy by asking the community to send us money to fight the legal battle (obviously we’d really spend it on cool stuff), but with all the taxing issues and whatnot we decided to can the idea.

15. Uhhhh…really?

No, not really. This isn’t like an action flick where the evil madman reveals the intricacies of his plans to hostages and then leaves them alone with a bomb set to detonate in like 10 hours. When we’re ripping you off, we won’t explain how in the FAQ. The truth is that we’d already had this 0.5 released planned for awhile, so it was okay to release under the Phoenix name. But under no circumstances will any future release be called Phoenix.
[Quote]

Thanks Gossip :)

I tried out the Alanis Lyric Generator posted by Gossip. These 3 songs (using the same input) are the result… Yes, I cheated a little bit… I wanted to stick with the whole MS bashing theme. I’ve never dated Bill Gates, nor would I want to.

———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———-

“Why”

Programmers, Computers, Security Flaws
Why God, Why?
Computers, Software Licenses, Microsoft
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this Blue horror?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Microsoft
Like a Robert Frost character, I’m wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Bugs, Programmers, Money
Why God, Why?
Microsoft, Money, Security Flaws
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this Blue disaster that is my life?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Microsoft
Like a Robert Frost character, I’m wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this Blue misery?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Microsoft
Like a Robert Frost character, I’m wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?

———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———-

“Will to Live”

I feel miserable
Programmers make me ill
I feel miserable
Computers tear at my foundations
I feel miserable
Security Flaws are dragging me down to the depths of misery
I want to die

Is it because of Microsoft that I feel this way?
With the Blue rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Or am I lost in tale of Robert Frost, adrift far from home
I don’t think so, I don’t think so.

Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live
Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live
Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live

I feel miserable
Software Licenses rot the flesh from my bones
I feel miserable
Bugs defeat my purpose
I feel miserable
Money are doing their best to impale my soul
I want to die

Is it because of Microsoft that I feel this way?
With the Blue rays of misery pounding on my brain?
Am I lost in tale of Robert Frost, adrift far from home
I don’t think so, I don’t think so.

Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live
Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live
Oh God, Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live
I was getting better but then
Bill Gates Broke My Will to Live

———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———- ———-

“I Think”

I Think Programmers are really a huge problem
I Think Computers are too much on my mind
I Think Security Flaws have got a lot to do with why the world sucks
But what can you do?

Like a Blue rain, beating down on me
Like a Robert Frost line, which won’t let go of my brain
Like Bill Gates’s ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Microsoft
Blame it on Microsoft
Blame it on Microsoft

I Think Software Licenses are gonna drive us all crazy
And Bugs make me feel like a child
I Think Money will eventually be the downfall of civilization
But what can you do? I said what can you do?

Like a Blue rain, beating down on me
Like a Robert Frost line, which won’t let go of my brain
Like Bill Gates’s ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Microsoft
Blame it on Microsoft
Blame it on Microsoft

Like a Blue rain, beating down on me
Like Bill Gates’s smile, cruel and cold
Like Robert Frost’s ass, it is in my head
Blame it on Microsoft
Blame it on Microsoft
Blame it on Microsoft